Paige McCullers Diary
by paily-pll
Summary: Welcome to the world of Paige McCullers. Here you can read her diary and discovery the in depth thoughts & feelings of Paige during every related episode of PLL and therfore the paily storyline. We start with season 3 (and yes, 'that night' with a drunken/drugged emily, is included) & if enjoyed and reviewed, I'll also add the diary entries of seasons 1 & 2
1. Chapter 1

**Here is the diary of one Paige McCullers. Here were start with episode 3x05. The first episode of season 3 where we see Paige again, and each chapter will follow her every appearance until the end of the season.**

**Let me know what you think… **

3x05

So there she was. After all this time and everything that happened that night... There she was. Just sitting there texting, minding her own business & looking completely flawless in doing so. I swear I flinched when my own breath momentarily caught in my throat at just the sight of her. I mean, she's ignored me for weeks after... that night, and it's obvious I'm never going to be the person she looks at that way. I'm not sure if I ever truly was.

And then my world came crashing down. Yep, that lil world I'd begun to build again, with all my walls up and guarded, nice and strong... Nope. They're all back down again. I mean, that's why I started writing in this again, to build back up my walls. It's helps to have one place you're truly honest. And in doing so, I could show the rest of the world I was perfectly fine, the girl that says few words but means them when she does, was once again walking around school with a smile on her face instead of the slight glare from a few years ago.

But the walls are back down. And why? One Miss Emily Fields. All she did was say my name and my own feet failed me. I stopped and knew that that was it. She was back in my life again and I would never ever want stop her, no matter how much it hurts. I turned around, saw those eyes, that smile and it all began again.

So that was yesterday and now tonight I'm off to Jenna's party, who by the way, can see again! It was supposed to be Katie Perry with Emily tonight but she has to work at the party too, and that's, let's be honest, is the only reason I'm going tonight. And following the moment we had after school yesterday, my hands are shaking a lil whilst writing this, just thinking about seeing her again.

After getting a text last night to explain the change of plans, she invited me over. On my way I decided I had to bring the confidence. I know we were just friends so I couldn't be the nervous, idiotic paige I feel like on the inside. I had to be the confident, outgoing paige that Emily grew friends with. So I was. And it was great. Even made her laugh a little. But when she gave me her little half smile, that lil roll in my stomach happened and I couldn't stop myself from asking. She needed help with her tie & although I had no idea what I was doing, I suddenly found myself asking and my fingertips brushing against her skin.  
It was when I looked up though. I saw her just staring back at me, like she had been waiting for me to look up and my insides turned to jello. No matter how hard I try, she will always have that effect on me. Her dark, shinning eyes staring back at me makes my heart flutter.

But just as soon as it started, it was over as my fingertips brushed against her neck and she backed away. I try to kid myself that it's because she felt it too, or maybe she thought back to the night she's clearly never going to mention, but instead I feel like it was just because she was uncomfortable with me being that close.

So I took a deep breath & tried to forget it. I even ended up with a free flask of booze from her that she kinda acted weird over but it's currently helping greatly to calm my nerves for the party that I have to get to, like now...!

-

Party = epic fail.

It's now two days later and my head still hurts. I'm never ever going to forget what happened so I hardly need to write it all down. But I can't believe it all went so wrong so quickly. When I got there, Em looked amazing. Even in her work 'uniform' she was stunning and was the first thing I saw. And she beamed at me. She seemed so happy I was there, and even said so. I was all happy and confident, But then once again, it all went downhill.

All I remember from then was her and Nate. I mean, it's bad enough that he's Maya's cousin & is around to remind Emily of that every day. And remind me I might add. But then I saw him flirting with her. No mistake. Yes he was gesturing at Jenna but it's Em he likes, that I definitely haven't forgotten.  
I've been racking my brains for 2 days now. Just sitting here in bed, trying to remember what happened between seeing them talking & getting to hospital. I remember rambling something about old pennies and coconuts but that's about it. I know Em & unfortunately Nate too, took me to hospital and she was sweet enough to stay. I saw her before mum and dad arrived But it was really awkward to see her when I was such a mess. Obviously there was still that connection between us and my ability to apparently tell her things I wouldn't dream of telling others, like the fact I let myself get drugged. But she started to look kinda nervous too.  
I know I made a fool of myself at the party and maybe that was why she was acting a little off, but all that is really sticking in my head, is _why_ I was so messed up?! I mean it has to be!

When I handed back her flask it kind of sunk in. And it's just got to be. It's hard to even write down but it has to be from the flask. Emily's flask. And I have no idea what that means.  
So my parents are now slightly freaking out that I'm either a really unsubtle alcoholic or an extremely uneducated drug addict...! Whilst I sit up here in bed and try to work out what the hell is going on...


	2. Chapter 2 - episode 3x08

So here's the diary entry for 3x08, the next episode that included Paige and here also, is the entry for 'that night'. It's a big episode for Paige and 'Paily', so I hope you enjoy…

**Episode 3x08:**

After missing a few days of school and then hiding in the shadows once I returned… I felt like maybe I could just forget that night. Even my parents had calmed down to their usual state of not caring unless its study or swimming related. But in all honesty, I never stop really thinking about Emily. And she's so tied up in that night that I tried extremely hard to forget about her. At least the part that meant she somehow inadvertently drugged me... If that even makes any sense! But then this morning... I was finally left to my own devices as mum and dad left for the weekend and there she was. Once again just strolling on up into my life.

And honestly, there want even the slightest bit of awkwardness between us. At least initially. I mean her showing up showed me she does care about me, even as just a friend and she showed it more by asking. But I get so confused every time I see her now. I mean... our past, that night a month back, her flask... Everything. So I don't even hesitate to put her off when she wants to talk about Jenna's party. I mean, I couldn't think of anything worse. Since that night I've realised that someone must have been trying to drug Emily. I mean it was staring me in the face but I felt so ill and stupid, I somehow thought I was the target. Like Alison was back and torturing me all over again. But it had to be Emily. And the thought alone makes me so angry my head starts to spin.

But somehow, she convinced me and tomorrow I'm meeting up with her to supposedly talk about it. I mean, what I'm going to say I have no idea! She doesn't want to talk about the night she kissed me, so I was thinking about just refusing to talk about this. But once I realised it was her that was supposed to get drugged, I knew I had to listen to what she has to say. I mean, if I'm a good enough friend for her to talk to all this about, then maybe at least our friendship might be able to work out.

* * *

_(After meeting with Emily):_

Nope. Nada. Finito. End game, never going to happen. I just read the end of what I wrote before I left, And no.

I've ruined it all. I avoided talking for as long as possible but as soon as we did, it was like the flood gates just opened and the world decided to drown me in a pool of its own mess. It started out with her trying to explain she never meant for me to get hurt, but then I ended up hurting her. It slowly dawned on me as she explained she had already been drugged in the same way without realising how, that that night we never spoke of... May actually have never even happened for her.

And when she confirmed it, I felt like my world stopped. I mean, I did stop. Stopped moving, stopped talking, even stopped breathing for a while. And then it all clicked. She was drugged that night. So not only was she not thinking she was kissing maya in a drunken haze when she kissed me like I thought. But she didn't even know she was kissing anyone at all. I mean, I know what it was like. I still barely remember anything and I know I didn't have much control over what I was doing!

But standing there she looked so helpless, so ragged and fearful from losing time, that I knew I had to explain. I could fill at least some of the gaps and there wasn't a single part of me that hesitated to do so. Even though I knew I would end up like I'm feeling now.

So, feeling my heart break... I explained it all, and reading back to that diary entry. I told her everything I know...

_(Diary entry from 'that night'):__  
Something just happened that I can't seem to even begin to explain. Emily kissed me. She came here, and she kissed me. I can't believe it. I couldn't stop smiling even with how she was acting. But with how it ended, my head's now spinning. I want to remember it properly so I knew I had to try and write it down._

It was a couple of hours ago and with mum and dad, out I scared myself silly when I heard something outside. But opening the door, there she was. She was leaning up against the wall, her eyes were rolling a bit but she smiled. As soon as I opened the door, her eyes found me and she smiled. I tried to ask her if she was ok but she started to try and walk or say something and nearly fell back down the front steps so I stood forward and held her around her waist. Standing to her side with her arm slung over my shoulder, I brought her in the house and she gradually started to hold me tighter. It dawned on me that she was drunk as her legs just couldn't carry her but I was so happy she was here and that she was pulling me closer that I didn't see much of a problem. She clearly has had a good time out tonight, probably with the other girls and I wasn't about to start questioning why she felt the need to come and see me.

And my heart started beating even faster as with one arm around my shoulders, she moved the other to join it. She held her hands to the back of my neck and suddenly she was standing up straight. One of my hands was now resting on her lower back, sliding there from holding her up, and she looked me dead in the eyes. For just a second, she seemed as sober as me and my stomach knotted as I watched her look down towards my lips. Before I knew it, hers were connecting to mine with an unrivalled passion. It started hard but almost instantly she slowed down and I started to kiss her back. No longer in shock from her surprise visit or actions, I just wanted to kiss her. I needed to kiss her. My whole body ached for her and she was feeling the same way. I knew it. Her fingers slid into my hair and pulled a little and it wasn't until she combined that with the brush of her tongue over my bottom lip, that I started to remember she was drunk.  
The kiss sped up a little and as her tongue brushed against mine, I could taste the faint hint of alcohol and it all came flooding back. Her stumbling around, not being able to walk on her own and the fact that she hadn't said anything other than mumbles since she got here. My brain worked on overtime but I couldn't stop it. My free hand rose to her hip and I rested both hands on her sides. Through the kiss, she moaned. Just a little, but it set my soul on fire. It was a total dream.  
We broke apart after another minute or so and I rested my forehead against hers. Both out of breath I kept my eyes closed as I felt her breathing just in front of me. Slowly her hands unwound from the back of my neck and she pulled back a little as I stood straight and opened my eyes.

Suddenly, she was looking straight through me. It's like she wasn't even there. Was she expecting to see someone else? Was the alcohol just having more of an effect than I thought? I didn't and still don't know, but I sat her down on the armrest just behind her and went to get her a drink of water. As I looked back before opening the kitchen door. She was looking at me again. She held my eye line and although she looked a little confused, her mouth pulled into a tiny smile. Just a flinch as if a subconscious thought had made her lips smile on their own accord. And it made my heart grow warm.  
With a sigh, I walked into the kitchen, poured her a glass of water and came back into the living room. The first thing I felt was the breeze. I looked up and the front door was open, letting the freezing night air pour into the house. She was gone.

I ran outside to see if I could find her but the whole street was deserted. I'm crushed. I just stood there on my porch, where she had been only minutes before, and felt the tears burn my eyes. I'm so happy she came over and that that happened but why did she run away? The more I replay it in my head the more I wonder if she even realised what she was doing until it was too late. If she really knew it was me. But I also know how I felt, I know how she looked at me. An hour later and I have no idea if she's ok. I've tried to call her but there's no answer. The more I think it over, the more confused I get.

* * *

She looked so stunned when I said she was with me that night. It broke my heart even more. She just had no idea. As I started to explain, she flinched when I said I thought she was just drunk, and honestly so did I. I feel so sick right now thinking about how I kissed her back. Let her kiss me hard and didn't even think about pushing her off. I knew something wasn't right when she didn't mention it at school and I started thinking it over, but I even told her what I wrote that night… it was like a dream.  
And now she's going to hate me. I mean, she's even angry that I haven't told her before and I know I should have but I couldn't bring myself to do it. In the brief glances we shared at school, she didn't look mad at all. So I thought she just wanted to pretend it never happened. Just like I did once. But when I worked it all out, the flask and drugs... How could I tell her I let that happen?! Not only did I let her kiss me... she got hurt. And I didn't even know.  
It makes me so angry that someone got to her like that and even if she never wants to speak to me again, and I wouldn't be surprised with how repulsed she looked, I will find out who tried to hurt her. And they will regret it.

After I explained it all. I knew she didn't want to be anywhere near me. I tried to get her to understand I would never do anything to hurt her but she quite rightfully turned away. So I came home. I ran the long way but I'm still not nearly exhausted enough for my head to stop spinning. The only thing that could even help a little is getting in the pool. So I'm off to swim. One thing that's good about that..? Noone knows if you cry whilst you're swimming.

* * *

_(After Emily's visit and the kiss):_

So I swam... but not on my own. It all happened last night and I'm still buzzing so much I can barely write any of this down. But it's once again a moment I never want to forget, and this time. It ends well :-)  
I went to swim after writing in here just like I had planned. Except when I got outside I knew I didn't have the strength. I was so crushed. I just stood there. Looking at the lights bounce off the pool and then I heard her. I turned around and there she was, walking up to me in my back yard.

I felt so sick. I could just imagine all the things she wanted to say to me. She looked fairly relaxed but she had to be here to tell me just how awful I was, how mad she was at me. And all I could think of was how sorry I was. Sorry for taking advantage of such a bad situation and... Such is Emily, half way through the big apology speech I had planned, she said it wasn't my fault.  
I had to take a breath to realise that maybe she wasn't as mad at me as I thought, but I still had to prove to her I knew how wrong it was and just how sorry I was. As I tried I felt my anger build again at her getting hurt and so lost, but she stopped me. And before I could even think of saying more. She stepped closer.

She told me to listen. And when I did, I don't think I've ever heard words sound so blissful. Words that made my whole existence suddenly have a purpose. Yes she spoke about Maya but she sounded so self assured. There was no quiver of emotion and grief like how it used to be whenever Maya was mentioned. She's been through so much and yet I stood there, listening to her admitting that maybe she's opening her heart up again. It felt so awful hearing her talk about that night and how lost she was, but then I heard her words replay quickly in my head.

_'I was looking for something, I was looking for somebody…. and I came here'_.

My breath caught in my throat. Was it really me she was talking about? I couldn't help the smile that I know must have shot across my face. I felt weak. My body felt so weak and yet electric. It's like all the strength I normally use just to keep myself sane without her, it all drained out of me in that moment because she was admitting she cared. I had to look away. How could I look at her when maybe, just maybe she was saying that I could be that person for her. The person I've always wanted to be.

And then it all happened so fast. She stepped forward, placed her hand on my neck and told me to not look away. Her eyes looked into mine and it all felt so right. Everything fell into place. The warm skin of her fingers burned into my neck as she eyes shone in the lights and slowly she leant in. She dipped her head low with both hands on my neck as she caught my lips with hers and I leant straight in too. I remember reaching out for her as our lips connected, unable to not feel more of her. She pulled my body close as our lips moved in perfect synchronicity. It was slow and filled with emotion. My lips still tingle from the sensations that built inside of me and are still bubbling away as I recall it all. I remember running my hands over her arms and shoulders as we connected a second and third time. It was a pouring of emotion on both our parts. Trying to show each other how much this kiss meant, no matter what happened the last time we kissed, this was everything. Her hands ran from my head, neck and to my cheek again and as she pulled back for just a second, I felt my body crumble into her. Lips still touching, they came together again, a little more open as I felt like she wanted to deepen the kiss. We parted again and next time we joined I ran my tongue just a little over her bottom lip as she brought her hands back to my neck. It was the most intense, emotion filled kiss I've ever experienced.

The way she looked into my eyes tonight, I'll never get tired of that look.

I'm laying here now, writing this and remembering it all and my cheeks ache from the constant smile plastered on my face. After one of the worst days I've had, the best night ever ended with the way we first met. We swam side by side for length after length and I felt like the night would never end. Even now, every sense in my body is on fire and I feel like she could still be right here...


	3. Chapter 3 - episode 3x09

**Another entry into Paige McCullers diary relating to episode 3x09. Thank you to all the follows/favourites. Please review if you can and the next episode will be up soon. :-)**

3x09

Mondays suck. Without a doubt the worse day of the week.

But this morning, this morning I looked forward to school and couldn't get changed quick enough. Walking through the halls hand in hand with Emily will never get tiresome. Her hand in mine, my hand in hers. Shoulder to shoulder, stepping in time, It's something I never thought I'd get the opportunity to do. I messed things up so much last time that I couldn't wipe the smile from my face.

We talk about everything. Anything funny, or serious or completely random. We just didn't stop talking and laughing and even when I knew her friends were nearby, for once I didn't feel at all awkward. She pulled me aside for just a couple more seconds once we hit the courtyard to finish her story and I laugh like no other time when I'm with her. The way her fingers find mine and hold on with a feather light touch is enough for me to ache for her and want to hold on tighter, just in case she slips away. But slowly, very slowly, I'm beginning to believe that maybe she won't slip away, maybe this is all real and I can finally feel at home with the only person I know that could ever make me feel this way.

When we eventually did find Hanna and Spencer, that new found confidence and easiness was shunted slightly. Awkward wasn't even the word. They were obviously in the middle of a conversation and it wasn't me I felt awkward for, it was Emily. They smiled and replied and looked at me as well as her, but neither of them where really 'there'. It was like they thought if they smiled wide enough and answered with as much conviction as possible, Emily would just smile back too. But the longer we stood there, the more uncomfortable Hanna looked. Her eyes darted from Spencer to Emily to the table. She looked at me once or twice and I honestly couldn't work out what was going on. It was big enough for me to be standing there with Emily let alone catch on to their vibes…

The tables at which these girls sit at have forever been unapproachable. Whether it was in freshman year when Alison ruled the roost or now a days. These girls have such an impregnable bond that to even be standing there so comfortably next to Emily was a major step forward.

She obviously felt like Spencer and Hanna weren't in the mood to divulge, whether that was because I was there or not I didn't really let bother me, so we just moved on to class and the rest of the day played out like normal. Em said she knew they were holding out on her but that she'd talk to Hanna, as even I can see that that girl wouldn't lie to her, and we planned to meet up tonight.

That's when I found out what they were clearly keeping from her. I was still buzzing like I always am on the way to hers. Like a lil kid on the way to the funfair or on Christmas eve, that warm feeling of adrenaline running through your veins that's always there no matter how many times the situation has occurred.

Her mum let me in and was so at ease with me. I'm sure she even thought about hugging me before she told me Emily was upstairs. I tried to stand still the best I could before I smiled and practically skipped up the stairs to Em. But when I opened the door, I'm sure I heard the sound of my own heart break. The scolding pain that flew through my body at the sight of a broken Emily, crying in the darkness of her room.

She sat and turned to face me, and without my eyes ever leaving hers, I knew what it was about. These were tears of heartbreak, of longing and of an ache inside of her that's still threatening to overwhelm her entire being. It was Maya.

She softened when she saw me. It was slight but still noticeable and thinking about it makes my stomach flutter a little. She looked embarrassed though, at being caught in such a state. But not once did it cross her mind or mine, that it would have been better if it was someone else she was confronted with.

Maya was a massive part of her life. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that she has had to go through with losing her. I nearly lost my mind when I lost Emily a few years ago. The only thing that kept me going was the realisation that once I had my life together, maybe we could reconnect and at least become friends again. It pains me that the heart I love so much, has loved another. But there's never anything I could do to change that, all I can try and do is be the one that mends it and pulls it back into one piece.

So we sat and talked. She said she felt bad for putting me in the situation but with just a look she knew she had nothing to be sorry for. It amazes me how strong she is. Suddenly seeing Maya right in front of her must have been the most unexpected emotion and it brought me back to the video of grandpa Alan. The way something so distinctive like a persons laugh, or voice or the way their nose twitches when they talk… can make you think that they're right there with you, even though you know they a million miles away. I found myself recounting a story that I've never told anyone. And as it poured from me, I watched her smile and relax. I saw her looking straight into my soul and I saw the same in her.

The heat of her skin under my finger tips made my hands want to tremble. Even her feet are soft and wanting, there's not an inch of her that isn't beautiful. And when she laughed, the world felt right again. Hearing that sound echo around the darkness of her room seemed to bring her back to me. The smile that holds nothing but hope and kindness shone through and for just a second, I know she realised that she's strong enough to overcome this. And that I'll be here with her the entire way.

I know she misses Maya and that's ok. When I need to feel grounded and brought back to something that will always feel like home, I still replay that old Christmas video and it truly is like he's in the room. Just how his laughter erupts as he see's everyone else's happiness. I think maybe I'm a little like him, in the wanting to make people happy. Because seeing Emily smile warms me to the core. She had that look in her eyes. That look of understanding and acceptance, and the knowledge that I was ok with everything she's going though. She is allowed to grieve and miss Maya, she has to if she ever wants to feel at peace.

Slowly, even being in reaching distance felt too far away and I awkwardly moved to sit beside her. I just needed her to know that it was ok. That everything would be ok. She easily melted into my side as I held her close and heard her sigh. The last admittance of suffering. The way she said it still hurts. It was the acknowledgment that she understood, she knew I was here for her whether it was Maya that was upsetting her or anything else. But she said she didn't want it to _keep_ hurting. And although that is without a doubt her accepting what's happened, the acceptance that Maya has gone. It's also the awareness that that feeling isn't going to fully disappear for a while, and I know that too. I felt that heart ache pour right through her and into my own aching chest. All I could do was hold her close and try to shield her from all the pain that has been thrown her way.

If she lets me, I'd spend the rest of my life protecting her and showing her all the love she deserves, knowing that one day, she'll be able to open her heart again and all the tragedy will only make her future brighter. Maybe _our_ future.


End file.
